Good Mistake, Bad Mistake
by coffeecoffeecoffee83
Summary: Lorelai has made one of the biggest mistakes of her life by sleeping with Chris, making her remember a discussion about another huge mistake from her past.


**AN: **I don't own nothing, including double negatives. But, like The Beach Boys say, "Wouldn't it be nice?" I am now going to hide under my bed, because I can hear the pitchforks being sharpened from here.

**Good Mistake, Bad Mistake**

Some people lead charmed lives. You know the ones -- they generally reside in TV shows and movies. Everything seems to click. To fall into place at just the right moment. The prom date turns up just as you're about to give up hope. The winning touchdown in the very last second of the game. Game? Match? I don't know. They're those girls from Orange County who barely do a thing at school, and then land a high-powered executive job in the fashion industry.

I am not one of those people. I make mistakes. Big ones. I mean, look at me. The whole reason my life is how it is, is because of a mistake. Rory is smart. She understands.

_She had just started ninth grade when I came home to find her at her desk, reading pamphlets from their Safe Sex lecture that day. Of course, I freaked out internally for a second, but calmed down when I realized she was just being a good student, and revising what she had been taught._

_We had never really talked about her conception, and I liked it that way. I didn't want my perfect little girl to ever think she was unwanted. But I had known it would come up eventually. This, apparently, was that day. She turned slowly to look at me as I sat carefully on her bed. Her face was scrunched up in thought, and I was tempted to tell her she'd get wrinkles if she kept looking like that._

_The first words out of her mouth had broken my heart. _

_"I was a mistake, wasn't I?"_

_"Oh, Rory, no..." I couldn't look her in the eyes though._

_She had come to join me on the bed, and in a case of role reversal and extreme selflessness, SHE tried to comfort ME. She wrapped her arms around my waist, and rested her head on my shoulder. "Mom, it's okay. I get it... I think."_

_I didn't know what to say. For the first time in God knows how long, I had no words. How could I admit to my child that she was a mistake without making her feel unwanted?_

_"Nobody plans to have a kid when they're sixteen. But mistakes happen, right? I'm sure things would have been easier if I'd come around a few years later," she mused. "If I found out I was pregnant right now, I wouldn't be happy about it, that's for sure."_

_"Wash your mouth out!" I gasped._

_"It's a hypothetical. I don't even like a boy, let alone want to do... that."_

_"And let's keep it that way," I told her, relieved that we were nowhere near that point._

_"Mom..." She wasn't going to let this go._

_I took hold of her shoulders, turning them towards me, and looked directly in her eyes. "Please remember that you, Rory Gilmore, are easily the best thing to happen in my life. I don't regret having you one bit."_

_"I know," she nodded._

_I closed my eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath. "Yes, you were a mistake. Turned out to be a good mistake, but at the time..." I opened my eyes to find her staring at me, interested. I knew I needed to be honest with her, and I took the plunge. "Yeah, I was upset. I was angry, and sad, and confused, and I wanted to rip Chris' head off. All the consequences of that little pink strip flew through my head all at once. Everything I was going to lose, everything I would miss, how my life was going to change. I spent weeks crying myself to sleep." _

_I felt tears running down my cheeks as I contemplated whether I should say the rest. Would saying this one little thing be another of those big mistakes I made with my life? Would my daughter hate me for what I was about to say? Would it be better to leave it out? I hadn't even made a decision when I heard the words falling out. "At the time, I thought you were a terrible mistake. I didn't want you."_

_My chest constricted sharply as I saw her eyes drop to the quilt, and she tried not to cry. I quickly grabbed her hands in mine._

_"Rory, listen to me," I pleaded. "That was only at the very start, when I was still in shock. I never once considered getting rid of you. From the second I started to feel you moving around, I loved you. And that feeling has never changed one iota."_

_Rory nodded silently._

_"Please don't hate me."_

_She sighed. "I don't hate you. I get it. What did Dad say when you told him?" She pulled slowly at a loose thread._

_I hesitated. I really did not want to be honest anymore. But I knew that she would be more hurt if she found out I was lying to her. "Are you really sure you want to know all this, sweets?"_

_As she considered this, I took time to look at her - really look properly. Sitting in front of me was a scared 15-year-old girl, and it took all my control to not compare her to myself at the same age, running around with boys, drinking until comatose, stealing my parents car, ditching school, and having sex. We never considered that our actions would have consequences. How could they? We were the privileged children of Hartford society. Our snooty private school just reinforced those beliefs, treating us like the children of spies. They never once warned us of the consequences of our actions. They didn't even start teaching Sex Ed until 1986 - too late for me. When Rory raised her sad but determined eyes to meet mine, I saw myself staring back as I stood in front of the mirror and psyched myself up to tell my parents that I was pregnant. It pained me to the core._

_She nodded firmly. "I want to know. What did he say?"_

_I chuckled, hoping that I'd lighten the mood somewhat. "For ages, he said nothing. Just sat there, shaking his head and mumbling to himself. If the situation wasn't so scary, it would have been hilarious." Rory gave a little smile, and set her gaze on me, waiting for me to continue. I hesitated, cringing. "Then he went into denial, trying to say I must have been cheating on him."_

_Without warning, Rory launched herself at me, and we tumbled back on the bed, arms wrapped around each other. We lay in silence, me reliving that day, and her processing the information. I kissed her forehead before speaking again._

_"He came around after a few days, hon. And he was great. When my parents said we should get married, he agreed, and.... he stuck around for longer than I expected. He wanted to do the right thing, even when I refused."_

_I didn't know what came over me, but suddenly I was blubbering like a baby. I couldn't stop the tears. Rory's arms tightened around me. She squeezed me tightly and stroked my hair._

_"Mom, it's okay. I'm sorry."_

_I sniffled and looked at her in shock. "What are you sorry for? I should be the one apologizing to you."_

_"I could pretty much imagine what you went through just by thinking about how I would feel. It's not something you should feel sorry for. But I've brought all that back up and upset you. I shouldn't have pushed."_

_I contemplated my selfless daughter, and cursed myself for not comforting her. She didn't need to hear those words 'I didn't want you'._

_"I... I think I need some time to think," she whispered._

_I nodded, kissing her hair softly and walking to the door._

_"Hey, Mom?" she called just before I pulled the door closed behind me. "Good mistake though, right?"_

_"Oh, honey," I sighed. "Best mistake I've ever made. Wouldn't change it for the world."_

_She smiled at me as I closed the door._

I closed the door behind me. Getting pregnant had seemed like an awful mistake at the time, but turned out to be great. I knew in my gut that this mistake today, however, wasn't like that. This was the biggest bad mistake I had ever made. I leaned against the front door, and sunk slowly to the floor. It felt like a Gremlin was trying to rip its' way out of my chest, but yet, I couldn't cry. No matter how much I felt like I was going to explode, the tears wouldn't come.

The sound of Luke's truck roaring out of my driveway still echoed in my ears. There was nothing I could do to make this better. I had done the worst thing possible to him, and he was a fool if he just let it slide. Luke Danes was not a fool. He would most likely never speak to me again, and frankly, I didn't blame him. If he had trekked over to Litchfield and slept with Nicole, I would never forgive him. But... he wouldn't do that. He has a strong sense of right and wrong. One which I, apparently, do not possess. I am a bad person. A person who lets a combination of extreme emotions and bad judgment combine to make HUGE mistakes. I don't deserve anyone to love me. Definitely not someone as good as Luke. He deserves someone much better than me -- maybe one of those fairy tale princesses. Much like he said years ago that Rory deserved a prince.

I tried to blame Chris. The two biggest mistakes in my life, and he's involved in both of them. Surely, he's the common factor, and therefore the cause.

I sighed loudly. I couldn't blame him. This had been entirely my doing. I was the only villain in all of this. My feeling neglected wasn't malicious on his part. I may not have realized it at the time, but what I had done was full of malice. I knew how much I was going to hurt Luke, but I ignored it. All I cared about was me, and how I felt. I didn't consider Luke. I didn't even consider how this would affect Rory, who was right this minute mourning the departure of her boyfriend. She doesn't need the extra stress of her idiotic mother. Once before, I let her comfort me when it was her who truly needed comfort, and I don't want to do that again.

I need to act like nothing is wrong, at least around her. I need to be her mother. She needs me to make it all better, like a good mother would. I won't let her comfort me, when she needs comfort even more. She deserves to be comforted, and I don't.

I won't make that kind of mistake again.


End file.
